Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Raw #80 - October 3rd, 1994

The British Bulldog wrestles his first Raw match ever on this episode that comes taped from Utica. Davey Boy enters to "Rue Britannia" because OMC has not yet released "How Bizarre." Jim Neidhart comes out to the old Hart Foundation music, better known as Bret Hart's theme music. Why is it that Marty Jannetty is the archetypal unsuccessful half of a tag team, while Jim Neidhart gets of scot-free?

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Two lesser-known Royal Rumble moments

As we count down the hours to the 25th anniversary edition of the Royal Rumble (yes, WWE, it is the 26th edition but the first one was 25 years ago. That's how anniversaries work.), it's important to look back at some of the forgotten gems of the 30-man battle royal. Well, maybe it's not so important, but I have the footage, so here we go....

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Ending the Streak: It's Now or Never

Another Streak DVD:
Now with 5% more content!
The Undertaker's Wrestlemania undefeated streak is the most prestigious record in wrestling. Unlike other achievements, like Ric Flair's sixteen world titles, this streak cannot be duplicated or beaten on a booker's whim. John Cena could win the WWE title five times this year and break Flair's record, but nobody is going to win 20 straight Wrestlemania matches unless WWE creative starts booking two decades ahead. Though 'Taker's streak went largely unnoticed for the first ten years or so, it has been the centerpiece of feuds and WWE Home Video Releases, most recently, the "20-0" DVD. As much money as the streak has earned, it is surely reaching the point of diminishing returns. How much can WWE make off a "21-0" DVD? No, the last great money-making angle to come out of the streak is its end, and in the opinion of the editorial staff of How Much Does This Guy Weigh? (Hi!), there is only one man up to the task, and only one time to get the job done: this year's Wrestlemania.

Friday, January 25, 2013

TNA HardCORE Justice now on Wrestlecrap

You read the title, didn't you? What more do you want me to say? 


Figure Friday: A Tale of Four Hulksters

With Hulkamania in full gear at the beginning of the 90s (okay, not full gear, but still pretty huge), it was only natural that Hasbro do all it could to cash in on the merchandising phenomenon (and alleged wrestler) that was Hulk Hogan. For that reason, no fewer than four distinct Hulk Hogan figures were created and sold by the toy company between 1990 and 1993. Oh, and not one of them was bald.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Rejected Royal Rumble Stats

Every year, WWE puts out a "Royal Rumble by the Numbers" video, each time slightly updated and usually filled with misleading "facts" and figures. For instance, the 36 Hall of Famers to enter the Rumble have supposedly "headlined" a total of 25 Wrestlemania "main events." There have been 28 Wrestlemanias, so there ought to therefore be only three Wrestlemanias without Hall-of-Famers in the main event. 

Well, there was: Bam Bam vs. LT (WM 11), Undertaker vs. Sid (13), The Rock vs. Big Show vs. Triple H vs. Mick Foley (who is not yet in the Hall of Fame) (16), Triple H vs. Chris Jericho (18), Lesnar vs. Angle (19), Batista vs. Triple H (21), Cena vs. Triple H (22), Orton vs. Triple H (25), Cena vs. Miz (27), and Cena vs. The Rock (28). That's ten Wrestlemania main events without Hall of Famers, leaving only 16 Wrestlemania main events "headlined" by Hall-of-Famers. I'm not sure what exactly WWE's definitions of "headline" or "main event" are, but they apparently allow Hall-of-Famer Edge to "headline" the WM 27 against Alberto Del Río in the opening match "main event."

As you can see from the first minute of the video, WWE's grasp of reality is a tad... skewed. I've therefore put together my own set of statistics that, while accurate to the best of my knowledge, didn't make the cut. Note that these stats don't cover the "unofficial" Rumbles like the MSG Rumble of 1994 or the Osaka Rumble, also of 1994.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Raw #79 - September 26th, 1994

For the first time in a month and a half, Monday Night Raw is live tonight, this time from Utica, New York. The cold opening announces the night's main event, Tatanka vs. Razor Ramon with the Intercontinental title on the line. That certainly sounds like the kind of match that they should have announced the previous week, especially given that Jerry Lawler vs. Duke "The Dumpster" Droese got more promotion than this match. Randy Savage says that the eyes of the world are on Utica tonight, and not Los Angeles, where the O.J. trial has just begun.

Monday, January 21, 2013

If other sports were like wrestling (pt. 1)

Let's face it: there are a lot of things about wrestling that conventional sports could never get away with. Here's a look at a world where elements of pro wrestling have infiltrated the world of sports:

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Raw #78 - September 19th, 1994

The cold opening for the September 19th episode of Raw centers around Tatanka, who fooled us all by having sold out to Ted DiBiase all along. The exact purpose of this deception will never be explained, but he certainly fooled a lot of people, and that's all that matters! Vince McMahon would later take the lessons learned from this angle and incorporate them into the Corporate Ministry angle, revealing himself to be the Higher Power so that he could fool Stone Cold Steve Austin at great personal expense.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Vince and Jerry commentate assassination attempt

A gunman in Bulgaria attempted to assassinate a political party leader earlier today. The key word is "attempted," meaning that no one was hurt (except for the gunman, who was beaten by about a dozen security guards). That means it's fair game for parody!

Here's what would have happened if this had aired on Monday Night Raw, circa 1995.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Billy Gunn vs. The Rock - Now on Wrestlecrap.com

The infamous "Kiss-My-Ass" match from Summerslam 1999 is now on Wrestlecrap.com, having been inducted by yours truly. If you're still not convinced that you should read the article, check out this custom video package I made yesterday!

If you haven't checked out the new Wrestlecrap website yet, I highly recommend it. Besides the inductions, which go up every Thursday night, there is all sorts of content being added every day by the all-new writing staff. Plus, it no longer looks like a site launched in 2000 (which it was).

Figure Friday: The Rockers were Rip-Offs (and not of the Rock & Roll Express)

As a child of the New WWF Generation, I owned not only the Marty Jannetty and Shawn Michaels figures as part of the Rockers' tag team set, but as singles wrestlers, as well. In all those years, I never noticed that both figures are exactly the same, minus the heads. It's as if Hasbro were trying to sabotage the Rockers' split by refusing to differentiate between the two party animals. 

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Fun with WWE.com searches

Justin Henry at Wrestlecrap.com has posted an article about the strange search results you can get on WWE.com. Here is the search that started it all:

Someone at the site also has it in for Jerry Lawler, as one Crapper noted.

I have had a bit of fun myself searching on the website. Below are the results I've gotten so far. These have not been altered in any way, which spells big trouble for Damien Sandow.

Raw #77 - September 12th, 1994

Monday Night Raw returns tonight for the first time in nearly a month after one recap episode of Summerslam hype, Summerslam itself the next Monday, and a pre-emption on the USA network for the U.S. Open of tennis. "Tennis anyone?" asks Vince. "No, I don't think so!" Tonight's episode is from Lowell, Massachusetts, and a lack of the word, "Live" suggests that this episode was taped a month ago after the previous episode. The real Undertaker, who had not made his return at Summerslam as of this taping, wrestles Kwang, according to the new blue Raw graphics.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Debunking a Royal Rumble Urban Legend

With the Royal Rumble coming up in just a few weeks, it's time to revisit a classic moment in Royal Rumble history. The year was 2002, and the rookie Maven (winner of the first-ever Tough Enough) stepped into the ring with The Undertaker, who had just cleared the ring, last eliminating both Hardy Boys. With the Dead Man distracted after tossing the Hardys from the ring not once, but twice, Maven cemented his legacy in Rumble lore by dropkicking the former WWF champion over the top rope and eliminating him.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Old Gray Rumble Just Ain't What She Used to Be

"It is my destiny to jerk the curtain!"
With WWE's annual January pay-per-view spectacular just around the corner, the big question on my mind is "Who's going to win the Royal Rumble?"

Nah, just kidding. The big question on my mind is "Why in the blue hell should I care?"

Monday, January 14, 2013

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Raw #76 - August 15th, 1994

In the cold opening this week, we see clips from last week's episode, where Tatanka caught Luger with a fistful of dollars, then found him backstage in Ted DiBiase's dressing room. In an important development to this riveting angle, Tatanka is now calling Luger a "turncoat" to add some variety to his accusations of selling out. Somehow, at a time when 6'6'' Brian Lee is dressing up as and (very poorly) imitating  the Undertaker, this Luger-Tatanka-sellout angle is the stupidest storyline of the summer.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Raw turns 20: Then and Now

With yesterday marking the 20th anniversary of the first episode of Monday Night Raw (January 11th, 1993), it's time to take a look back at the landscape of Raw during those first few episodes and see how far the weekly wrestling program has come in the past 20 years.

Then: Undersized champion beloved by smarks. Now: Undersized champion beloved by smarks.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Figure Friday: Barefoot and Pregnant with The Headshrinkers

The Headshrinkers' action figures were released simultaneously by Hasbro as part of their 1994 series but were sold separately. For this reason, I had a Fatu figure but no Samu figure. Actually, truth be told, I had two Fatu figures and just called one of them "Samu." It was just as well; both figures look practically identical, but closer inspection leads one to notice some subtle differences and revealing similarities between the two cousins' figures.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Raw #75 - August 8th, 1994

This week's Raw begins with Ted DiBiase's Undertaker in action. Ted's 6'6'' version of the Taker faces the formidable competition of Butch Banks. McMahon insists that this Undertaker vs. Undertaker match would be a one time only event. That's a relief; too bad the guarantee wouldn't apply to Kane.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Raw #74 - August 1st, 1994

Vince McMahon is back on commentary tonight after his neck surgery. Had his neck surgery not gone so well, we might have never heard Vince on commentary ever again. Tonight's featured match is Shawn Michaels's in-ring return after Wrestlemania X against his Mania opponent, Razor Ramon. The Bad Guy challenges Diesel for the Intercontinental title at Summerslam.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Raw #73 - July 25th, 1994

We open Raw with a recap of Lex Luger's rumored sellout to the Million Dollar Man. this past weekend, Lex showed up on the Heartbreak Hotel when introduced by DiBiase. Tatanka then came out to shame the American Original, but Lex Luger denied signing with DiBiase. "He's either telling the truth, or he's lying!" says Macho with deep insight. Frankly, this whole mystery is rather silly. If Lex did sell out to DiBiase, then eventually he'll start coming out to the Million Dollar Man's music, teaming up with Ted's clients, and being escorted to the ring by DiBiase. Then we'll know. And if he did sell out, what's he denying it for? Eventually it's going to become really obvious.